I Can Say it in Nightmares
by CatBru
Summary: In which Usagi has a nightmare about seeing Mamoru's star seed, but the dream is from his point of view. (Third in Untethered universe)


**Disclaimer:** Be glad I don't own Sailor Moon. If I had, this amount of angst would have probably been commonplace… (Plus I was nine when the Manga came out, so the art would have been pretty horrible.)

 **Summary:** In which Usagi has a nightmare about seeing Mamoru's star seed, but the dream is from _his_ point of view. (Third in _Untethered_ universe)

 **Author's Notes:** A bajillion thanks once again to SmokingBomber and Antigone2 for the live beta and words of encouragement. (To give you an example: 'I told you I hate you, right?' and 'HOW REAL THOSE FEELS!') Also thanks again to SB for title help!

* * *

 _Nothing. That's all there is. Even the miles around are more a concept of a crumbling mind than reality._

 _There isn't a here. There isn't a there. Noplace is everywhere, suffocating in its never-ending._

 _He still exists, right? Has he ever? Were those tides of memories nothing more than a way for whatever was left of him to anchor himself there?_

 _No._

She _is real. If she isn't real neither is he._

 _He is a he, right?_

 _What is his name?_

 _He sometimes remembers hers. Then it is gone and all that remains is this. This is nothing. This nothing is now everything._

 _He still exists, right?_

 _Wait. Is this her?_

 _He feels a warmth so bright it would blind if there were light to see by. He wants to go to her. Wants to wrap his arms around her as she tells him everything about nothing. Her nothings are everything. They fill voids. They fill souls. And she is here where there was no here before._

 _So close._

 _He aches. To touch, to feel, to inhale a scent he almost remembers._

 _He has no arms to hold her. No eyes to see her._

 _Can she see him?_

I'm right here, find me!

I want to see you.

 _Then she is gone._

Usako!

 _If he had a mouth, the nothing would fill with his desperate screams._

 _But he has none._

 _This inability to release his anguish fractures his mind._

 _He is no longer a he. He is no longer there._

 _Nothing. That's all there is._

xoxoxox

Ikuko jerked up to sitting in her bed. Her daughter's screams, though not a foreign occurrence, had not happened since her boyfriend came home. At least not in this magnitude.

Settling her stirring husband, she slipped out of bed and into her robe.

On her way to her daughter's room, Shingo poked his head out of his own, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Despite his tired demeanor the concern he felt for his sister was evident.

"Go back to sleep. I'll check on her."

Ikuko found Usagi tangled in her sheets, twisting and turning in arch of spine and limbs.

Luna spotted her, meowing her concern from the vanity. If she didn't know any better, Ikuko would have thought the cat was prepared to yell at her owner to wake up and that she was okay.

"Don't worry, Luna." Feeling only somewhat foolish, she rubbed the cat behind the ears. "She'll be fine."

It took some maneuvering through flailing limbs but Ikuko soon had a hold on her daughter's shoulders.

"Usagi. _Usagi!_ Wake up, it's okay." A hand landed hard against her cheek as another scream reverberated in her ears. With more force than she otherwise should have, she shook her daughter. Not out of anger but concern. Normally a touch was all it took to wake her up. " _Usagi!_ "

Her daughter's eyes finally opened, large and unseeing at first. When she saw Ikuko, perched on the bed and willing to chase away boogeymen and bad dreams, her face crumbled.

Before she had the chance to open her arms she found herself with a chestful of a sobbing mass of hair.

Through the tears and hurt, Ikuko fretted over that hair. The buns had loosened in the fitful throws, now hanging haphazardly down. Once they were free of bobby pins she smoothed it out the best she could.

"I should have known. I should, Mama." That and a certain young man's name were about all Ikuko could understand.

Even after an hour, as she quietly shut the door, Usagi still had not calmed down.

Ikuko wet her lips with her tongue, trying to quell the burning in her eyes. The slip of paper was one she kept secret from her husband. If he knew about it, he'd do nothing but call the number when their daughter was out of eyesight.

There had been many times when she'd almost done just that, as well.

With a strengthening sigh she picked up the phone and dialed the number. After a long stretch of rings, the answering machine picked up.

" _Hello, this is Chiba's residence. Please leave a message."_ There was a pause. " _Don't worry, Usako. I'm in Japan."_

The ache in her throat tightened for a different reason as she hung up. That boy. So at odds with her daughter's personality. Ikuko had never imagined Usagi ending up with someone like him, but she was happy.

Usually.

With a steeled resolve she picked up the phone again. This time she would leave a message.

Instead, she was greeted by a voice gravelly and thick with sleep. "Usako, it's four in the morning."

Ikuko covered the mouthpiece as she choked on a laugh. Though the words were full of irritation, his voice held a familiar air of defeated affection.

She bit her lip, because the short burst of emotion caused the stinging in her eyes to grow.

"Is everything okay? Usako?"

She thought about lying. It would be easy to offer assurances, to let him know everything was okay. But that wasn't why she had called, and to tell him otherwise would be insulting. After all, aside from her and Kenji, this young man cared more about Usagi's well being than anyone.

"I'm sure she will be, once she's able to sleep again."

"M-Mrs. Tsukino!" There was a rustling of fabric at the sound of the phone falling. And was that a string of obscenities issuing from such a well-mannered boy's mouth? Under other circumstances Ikuko would be in a peal of giggles.

"What's wrong? Is she sick? Hurt?"

Ikuko chewed her lip. She knew how it would sound, randomly calling her daughter's boyfriend before dawn about something as silly as a nightmare. But it wasn't _just_ a nightmare.

"It's...they haven't been this bad in ages. And it made no sense. None of it. Except your name."

"What doesn't make sense?"

Ikuko sighed. Not at him, but at herself. "She had a nightmare. About you, I believe." The only times Usagi'd had nightmares near this bad about Mamoru had been when he was in America. And, before that… "Did you break up with her again?"

" _What?!_ No! Why? Does she think- Did I do something to make her think that?" There was a puff of air through the receiver. "I swear, I didn't. I don't think I could even- I mean, it was _hell_ that-"

"Mamoru, dear. You're rambling." When he was silent she continued. "She has nightmares, you know. She hasn't had any since...well, since you came home from America. At least not bad ones. And she hasn't had one this bad in...years." She glanced at her daughter's doorway, the memory and ghost feeling of a fist against her cheek playing in her mind. "Actually, they've never been this bad."

"I didn't know…not really." Again he is silent for a moment. When he speaks next, he's expecting the answer to be no. "Can...can I talk to her?"

And that's why she called him, right? So she could hand the phone to Usagi, assure her daughter that her boyfriend was okay.

It wasn't enough. "Actually." And that cut through her like a knife. Her daughter was hurting a hurt Ikuko could not soothe. What kind of mother was she?

The ache in her throat grew. She needed time to compose herself, but how could she find it over the phone with the only person who could help? The person who wasn't her.

"Mrs. Tsukino?"

"Can you come over instead?" She hated the way she sounded then. Desperate, near tears, on the verge of hysterical. She had not been that way in years, often using Usagi's own outbursts as a vicarious outlet for herself. And she was embarrassed to do it in front of the man who may very well be her future son-in-law. (She'd seen the ring, along with the shirt that wasn't Usagi's that she'd come home in one day.)

Oh, hell. He may as well know where her daughter got it from.

"It's just I don't know what to do right now." Her cheeks were wet.

"O-of course. I'll be right there."

She sniffled her thanks. Even though she could feel his discomfort at another's display of distress, he was such a sweet boy for not teasing her about it.

Instead of checking on her daughter, she decided to actually make herself useful. A glass of water, maybe some cookies. Would she have time to bake any before he got there?

Before she had an answer, or perhaps the gentle knock _was_ her answer, Ikuko found herself opening the door.

He looked adorably disheveled and her fingers itched to mother his hair back into place. Even that urge did not quell her curiosity and surprise. "How fast did you drive?"

Peeking behind him, she saw no car or bike. As an errant thought, she wondered when the last time she'd brought roses in. There were petals all over the porch.

He looked almost as shocked as she was. Rubbing the back of his neck, he followed her glance, toes dusting the petals away. "Uh, yeah. New shortcut… Quite by accident I think."

Ikuko arched a brow. "Uh huh."

Stepping aside, she let him come in. His reaction was as it always was, curious eyes with a brief whisper of a longing he'd concealed years ago. Her fingers itched again.

Ikuko found herself nervous as she wrung her hands. Her daughter was vulnerable right now. She should be shielding Usagi from the world, right? Not letting her world see it?

She gestured to where his eyes were now, up the stairs. "She's…"

He turned to look at her as she trailed off. His eyes were patient, either as an innate trait he was born with or from years of practice with her daughter.

She sighed and started to walk up the stairs. "Just hug her tight, okay? Tell her things are going to be all right?"

He hummed a bit. She could almost feel his mind working at five thousand miles an hour.

At the top of the stairs Ikuko turned to him. "I know this isn't...usually _done._ I'm sorry that I called. I _had_ to. I didn't know what else to do. But thank you. For being here."

Mamoru blinked in surprise. "I would always come for her." His cheeks warmed. "I mean, when asked. Invited."

Her finger itch grew to be too much. Gently, she brushed his stubborn bangs aside with all the maternal instincts she possessed. "You are such a sweet boy. I think we'll keep you."

He was still, barely breathing, and the look in his eyes broke her heart. So she took pity on him.

Ikuko resumed to walk the hall. "Feel free to keep being afraid of me, though."

She could feel his breath when he remembered how to. At Usagi's door she stopped again and this time he wasn't prepared. He was flustered, of course, but she ignored that. "Let me talk to her real quick?"

He nodded. Of course he did. He was not the type to be demanding in another person's house.

Usagi had Luna in a death grip. The cat, despite a bushy tail, realized the girl's distress. Not many cats would lick away tears and purr as loud as that.

All Ikuko could do as she sat on the mattress was hand Usagi a glass of water. Luna was able to breathe again as Usagi took the glass, but she just set it on the vanity.

"I'm sorry, Mama." Usagi rubbed her eyes but she had yet to stop the tears. "I'm trying. I'm _trying._ "

This time her fingers did not need to be reigned in. Sifting them through her daughter's soft bangs, she cooed and sighed. "It's okay, Usagi. Always cry when you need to, okay?"

"But you always tell me to stop." Really large, really wet eyes stared at her.

Ikuko's heart squeezed tight in her chest. It was true, when her daughter went into a neverending stream of crocodile tears she would get annoyed and tell her to stop. "I never have for these tears, Usagi. I never will."

Her daughter bit her lip before she nodded.

The nerves fluttered again in Ikuko's chest.

"Okay so. I'm sorry if this was out of line." Ignoring her daughter's suddenly suspicious eyes, Ikuko turned to the door. "Come on in."

Usagi's strangled, inhuman noise made Ikuko fear maybe this had been the worst idea in the history of all ideas. However, even though Usagi was crying harder now, and despite the hand over her mouth, or the continuous streams of incoherency through her fingers, she just could not take her eyes off him.

Clearing her throat, Ikuko stood up. "This isn't going to happen often, right?"

Making another noise, Usagi was quick to nod.

"And you're okay with this, right?"

If Usagi nodded any harder they'd be chasing her head down the hall. She stood on the mattress, shifting in place, springs groaning beneath her feet.

Sighing, Ikuko walked to the door and leaned against the wall. After a quick glance at her Mamoru walked in. "Usako."

He didn't make it halfway before Usagi lept off the mattress, arms and legs tightening around him in a death grip. For a split second Ikuko foresaw a call to the hospital, but Mamoru's leg had already kicked back and he rocked the extra force behind him.

Impressed, she watched them for a moment longer. It wasn't until the deep, murmured reassurances and the higher questioning sniffles that Ikuko felt like an outsider.

"Mamoru, Kenji gets up in a few hours."

His head jerked up to her, and despite his continued whispers looked like he was about two seconds from keeling over.

"He leaves at seven. If you wake up before then, stay here, yes? After, you're more than welcome to join us for a late breakfast."

Before she could see the shy look she knew he would give her she was closing the bedroom door behind her.

Back in her own room, she slipped into her own bed, exhausted but knowing she probably wasn't going to get back to sleep.

Kenji grumbled in protest. Slightly annoyed, Ikuko rolled her eyes. "Usagi's fine now. Mamoru's with her."

"That's nice…"

Ikuko ticked down the seconds on her fingers.

" _What?"_

"Lower your voice, she's finally getting settled." She rolled over to give him a Look. "And he's the only way she would. Got it?"

Even sleep muddled, Kenji recognized the steel in his wife's voice.

"...yes, dear."

xoxoxox

 _Neverending moments._

 _A severed chain. Awareness._

 _He does not recognize the others that appear around him._

 _Drift._

 _Safety in seclusion._

 _He is safe in the nothing for he_ is _the nothing._

xoxoxox

If Tokyo suddenly became overrun by a mob of zombies, Usagi was comforted in knowing she would blend in as one of their own.

While two nights ago she had slept in until around ten in the morning and woke up to discover she had been using Mamo-chan as a body pillow, last night had not been as kind. She would drift, and as soon as her brain thought it might be asleep she jerked away.

The same drifting jerk happened in all of her classes.

She hadn't told him what the dream had been about. In the light of day, even the light of the moon, it sounded so silly when she thought about being absolutely terrified of nothing. And on more than one occasion it had been proven that some dreams are just dreams.

Still, that didn't stop her mind from stupidly waking her up every five minutes.

Rei was going to be so mad. She had promised last week to come over today to help manage Yuuichiro while Rei did a deep clean of the temple.

While normally this was something Yuuichiro would do himself, Rei had told him to stay out of her way so she could get things done right.

Of course with Yuuichiro's father in the hospital, he knew what she meant. What she tried to say but couldn't.

Trudging off the bus, Usagi caught sight of Minako's hair. Grunting out a greeting despite her friend being halfway up the stairs by now probably, she continued her epic quest to reach the shrine. After climbing miles up a staired mountain, pausing many times to stare at the peak, she reached her destination.

"Oh, Usagi. You just missed Minako. She's talking with Rei if you want to join them."

Usagi looked at Yuuichiro. His shoulders were slumped and he kept doodling with a stick in the dirt. She probably _should_ say hi, but she was just too tired. And besides, she was here to see him, right?

"That's okay." Usagi slumped beside him and sighed.

"Good day?"

"No." Realizing he was being sarcastic, she corrected herself. "Oh! Er, yes. Best ever. Whoop."

He snorted. "Well, misery loves company, so you're welcome to join me."

Usagi felt a lead ball of guilt in her chest. Here she was agonizing over a nightmare that was more than likely just that when her friend's father was in the hospital.

Leaning over, she threaded her arms around his bicep. "It'll be okay."

Then she was in full blown Friend Mode. "Have you eaten? Are you thirsty?"

He gave her a look. "Nope. I'm fine."

Usagi scowled. That just wouldn't do! "I'll get you some water. I don't want you dying of hypothermia!"

Jumping up, she jogged down the path before she was struck by another lead weight of guilt. _Oh no._ She was using her friend's pain, comforting him, and using that to distract from her own!

Her momentary decent mood deflated as she slid her feet the rest of the way.

"I'm _fine,_ Minako. Would you just leave me _alone_ about it?"

Rei's sharp voice stilled Usagi's growing funk on the way back from the kitchen. She really probably _should_ say hi, but she could tell it wasn't the best time.

So of course, she snooped.

"You're _not_ fine, Rei. You have enough bags under your eyes for a trip to America, and we both know how _those_ turn out for our group."

Though she knew Minako didn't mean anything mean by that, those words hurt.

"Wow, Minako. That was just...wow."

"I know. I cringed at myself the moment I said them. Don't tell Usagi? I don't want her to get sad at me." Even through the wall, Usagi could see the slump in Minako's shoulder.

"Don't you mean mad?"

"Oh no. She'd get sad at me. That's like, a billion times worse than mad at me."

"Too true. So, nice weather we're having, don't you think?" It was a tone Usagi knew well. _Drop it._

Minako either didn't get the hint or just didn't care that one had landed as surely as a boulder on her head. " _Tell_ me. I know something's bothering you. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't try to weasel whatever it was out of you so I can help fix it?"

Rei huffed. "Fine. I had a nightmare the other night."

"Really? That's not uncommon. I have all _sorts_ of nightmares."

Rei sighed. "It wasn't...my nightmare."

Minako's voice became embarrassed. "Hey, look, I know they don't look it, but platypi can be _very_ scary if-"

"No, not yours!" Rei hissed. Her voice lowered. "I think they're Mamoru's. Actually, I know they are."

"Mamoru?" Minako's voice was full of concern. "Did he have the Needle Dream again?"

"I wish." There was a shift of a bucket along the floor. "You remember, right? The seed thing? Being one?"

The blood ran cold throughout Usagi's body.

"Well, yeah, there was literally nothing. It was almost relaxing, even if it was scary."

"Yeah, well, we weren't there for long." After a moment the sound of bristles on the floor was the only thing to be heard.

"So...what?" A loud crash and splashing water made Minako yelp. "Don't look at me like that! You're not being very clear, Rei."

Too horrified to go back now, Usagi crept toward the door, peeking in.

"He was there for _months,_ Minako." Rei was standing now, fists balled at her sides. Water was slowly spreading along the floor. "He suffered through every day of it, no end in sight. Do you know the only thing he would _sometimes_ be able to remember at the end? And this wasn't always, this was only during those few, _brief_ times when he could remember he actually existed. The only thing he could remember was her _name._ And if she knew, it would tear her _apart._ "

Rei's breath hitched in her throat. "So I can't tell her, but then that means he's stuck with remembering, and he's never been _good_ at letting people know when things like this happen!"

"Oh fuck."

"Right! Exactly!"

"No, Rei." Minako pointed behind her friend, toward Usagi. "I mean, oh fuck."

Rei turned and her shoulders slumped. "Usagi."

Her eyes were burning but her cheeks were dry. "So it wasn't just a silly nightmare, then?"

Rei's eyes widened. "You had one? The other night?"

Usagi's grip on the glass of water tightened. "Um. I need to go. I just, forgot I have, I need to go. Can you give Yuuichiro this water?" She set it on the floor just in the doorway. "I'm sorry, I just…"

Before either friend could respond, she was walking away as fast as she could. She couldn't run, her knees were trembling far too hard for that.

"Oye, Usagi."

Yuuichiro waved toward her, and she wanted to hide from the concern she saw on his face. Why? He was dealing with his own pain, wasn't he? He didn't need hers!

Her smile hurt. "I promise, I'll come see you again soon, okay? I...I need to go. But I'll be a better friend when I come back, I promise!"

The bus that took her most of the way home helped calm her nerves. She must have looked like a train wreck because someone actually got up for her. Usagi _knew_ she was a train wreck because she took the seat.

When she was walking again, down the street take a left three more rights then home, her knees were no longer shaking and the sting in her eyes was gone. She felt too hollow to cry.

"I'm home." There was no answer.

For a moment she leaned against the front door, staring around her house, hardly seeing anything around her. It was bad when she thought he had been too busy to answer. Worse when she found out he'd been...not exactly alive.

But this?

Usagi thought of her friends. Each one of them had been taken until she had been all alone. She had thought that was torture. Never once did she even stop to think that something worse had happened to them. To _him._

For some reason, her eyes fell on her father's staple gun. He rarely used it, but when he did he would walk around with a puff to his chest. It was always so silly.

After staring at it until it was nothing more than a blur against a blur, her mind formed a plan. Probably a very bad plan.

xoxoxox

 _A pull comes. Then a tug._

 _He tries to hide. He must stay. He must keep whole even if he is nothing but nothing. There was a reason for it, and one day he will remember. Then he will stop being nothing and start being a something._

 _Through his shattered reality, that instinct is the only thing keeping him from disappearing._

 _To be a something for a greater great._

 _The pull again. It will destroy him._

xoxoxox

Mamoru hated school.

Actually, no, that was a complete and total lie. It would have been akin to him saying he prefered water to coffee, or Usako declaring herself vegan.

What he hated was how his mind would sometimes refuse to cooperate in class. This semester was important, having to play catch up and muscle through his course load. He couldn't exactly take a semester off. On paper, he already had. Unexpectedly and without notice. He was lucky they let him back at all.

Before classes had even begun, and on a rare chance meeting with her outside the group, he had reluctantly admitted his concerns to Ami. Part of him was afraid that she would judge him for his sudden lackluster interest in academics. Of course, that part apparently didn't know Ami.

After a moment of quiet contemplation she had suggested he bring a tape recorder to school. The idea had always been rather absurd to him before. After all, his attention was always wrapped up in his professors and more than one teacher's assistant had asked to borrow his notes. And if there was something he didn't completely understand, that's what office hours were for.

He was a big nerd, he was fine with that.

Now, though, the idea of a tape recorder was absolutely genius. And in this class, he sent a thankful thought Ami's way more than once.

Fortunately the professor allowed coffee. Otherwise Mamoru would have been asleep within the first five minutes.

Finally the class was over with. His mind barreled straight to what had actually been on his mind all hour. Was Usako okay? Did she have another dream? Breakfast yesterday had been...nice. Disturbingly nice. Ikuko terrified the hell out of him, more so than Kenji ever could.

Distrust he could swallow. He was familiar with that. Ikuko was a _mother._ A very mothering mother with mothering hands and mothering hugs. And that morning she was just especially so motherly.

He'd always been afraid of the unknown.

"Hey, Chiba, you up for a study session tonight?"

Blinking, he looked up at one of his friends. Okay, more acquaintance who liked to steal Chiba's notes and beg for study time especially when a test was coming up.

Part of him felt obligated to. Well, not exactly obligated, but his girlfriend helped whoever she could for no reason whatsoever. Some of that must have rubbed off on him.

Still, he would not be able to give it his best.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "I...can't. I'm sorry, my mind just wouldn't be in it."

The kid blinked in surprised concern. "Oh. Well, tell Usagi I hope she feels better, okay? See you!"

It was Mamoru's turn to blink. Of course the kid would know Usagi.

He sighed. "I will."

Near the beginning of the semester and when she was almost constantly worried he would disappear again, Usagi had just appeared outside his classroom door. She'd spotted him and flashed him a bright smile, but had been content to stay where she was, just peeking through the window.

Of course, this was college. Pretty soon about every eye had shifted from the professor to the tiny blonde stealing a tiptoed peek through the door's window.

When the professor saw the reason for her class's sudden interest elsewhere, the stern look in her eyes had him halfway out of his chair.

When she opened the door, Usako nearly tumbled inside. Her little squeal of surprise and quick righting of herself sent a smattering of giggles through the auditorium.

" _May_ I help you, young lady?" She had a reputation. A scary one.

"Oh, no! I'm fine! I'm just checking on…" Her voice trailed off as she bit her lip. "I'm just...looking. Can I? I promise I'll try to peek more quietly."

Another roll of laughter rose around him. If he heard any snide comments, the force and enthusiasm of his resulting objections would probably get him expelled.

The professor sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "No."

He wanted to punch that professor when Usagi deflated.

"If you promise to be _quiet,_ you can go keep 'looking' beside him. I assume she's yours, Mr. Chiba, if that scowl is any indicator."

"Yup! I'm his!" Realizing how that sounded, she started to fiddle with her fingers. "Well, I mean, he's why I came here. To look at. I mean, check on. I mean…"

"Just...go sit down so I can get back to teaching."

He watched in abject horror as she almost embraced the teacher. The same look was in the professor's eyes, but Usako realized what she was doing at the last minute and rubbed the back of her head instead. "Sorry. Thank you very much!"

Usako was beside him in seconds. She latched onto his hand and whispered. "I'm sorry. Was the scowl at me?"

He couldn't help the soft smile he gave her. "No. But I need that hand to write."

"Oh! Right, sorry!" She climbed over his lap to sit on the other side of him and secured his left hand tight in her own, snuggling against his arm and sighing in content.

"Right. We'll not be making a habit of this. _As_ I was saying."

After class was over, a few people lingered a bit longer around them. He could guess what some of the murmurs were about. He never really came across as an open individual. Or one who strung more than two sentences together unless it was for class. Or someone who had a girlfriend who radiated energy even when she was sitting still.

"Hi! I'm Usagi!" Apparently, his girl had caught the eye of one of their gawkers. "Are you friends with my Mamo-chan?"

His ears burned in response. Honestly, he should be used to it, but while he wasn't he also wouldn't admit a slight thrill had replaced his discomfort long ago.

His classmate gave a small, sad sigh. Then she cheered up. "No, but I've seen him around."

Usako sighed and shook her head. "That's okay. He comes across as a lofty, pretentious introvert. He's really nice, though."

Mamoru gave her an amused look. "He's also right here. And how do you figure that?"

Suddenly bashful, she hunched in on herself and tapped her pointer fingers together. "Well. Um. You know those personality quizzes?"

"Yeah?"

"The ones online?"

"Again, yeah?"

"Well...sometimes I take them."

"Okay, but that doesn't explain-"

"...as you."

A sharp bark of laughter escaped before he could clamp it down.

Unfortunately, that _had_ been the last time Usako had snuck to his class. It had been his favorite class period all semester.

Driving down the busy street to his apartment, he was almost surprised she hadn't shown up today. Seeing her as she had been the night before had terrified him more than even Ikuko herself had.

Mamoru had wanted to press on what the nightmare had been about, but even before the words died on his lips he knew he had no place in doing so. His own bad dreams were not discussed, so why push her for hers?

Still, that didn't mean his heart hadn't been breaking the whole time she had been crying.

He really hated rush hour. In between silently cursing the people around him, it gave him far too much time to think.

If her nightmares continued, he wondered how he would help. Face the wrath of Mr. and the frightening affection of Mrs. Tsukino? Sit outside her window at night in case he was needed?

Well, those weren't the creepy thoughts stalkers got, now were they.

Jeeze. Why did she even love a giant nerd like him? (Of course, this was actually thought with some affection. He was a nerd, she knew it, didn't care. Silly girl. He wondered if she knew just how much he didn't deserve her.)

By this time, he found himself in his parking garage. He stretched the kinks of passive aggressive road rage out of his body as he waited for the elevator, checked his pocket several times for his keys, stopped at the vending machine for a couple iced coffees to get him through the night, and was stretching once more when he reached his floor.

That was the routine, a comforting nightly ritual. He knew the coffees would likely wind up in his fridge. One of them, at any rate. He also knew he would not be doing school work right away. If at all. He had the rare day tomorrow where he didn't actually have classes. Besides, his lady, not that that he'd ever call her that out loud because that was just too embarrassing, would likely call him and he was mentally prepared to spend hours on the phone with her if it would make her even a tiny bit happier. (And okay, him as well. A lot.)

His door was unlocked. He held back the bristle as he initiated the Usako Check.

Her shoes, check. Her slippers missing, check. A bag of assorted tools, well that was new.

An almost rhythmic metallic thump peppered with the sad notes of sniffles filtered from his bedroom. "Usako?"

The thumps stopped, but the sniffles continued. Before he reached the hallway she stepped out of his room. She was holding a power stapler in one hand and wiping her eyes with the other.

Not sure which hand to address first, he leaned against the wall. After a moment, he decided to go the easier route. "You know, even though the Tenant Handbook only states no overabundance of nails or screws, I'm pretty sure industrial-sized staples are implied."

"Don't come in yet, okay? I'm not done yet."

He knew that while he should probably regret whatever it was she was doing in there he really wouldn't. He was resigned to it the moment he saw the determined look in her eye.

"Alright. I'll just stay out here." Any safety deposit lost, should he not be able to fix the holes in the wall if he ever moved, was worth the tiny smile he received for his answer. Of course, he'd gladly double the money lost if she would smile for real again.

For the next few minutes he was subjected to the metallic thumps and her sniffles. The latter was, by far, the worse of the two. After a few minutes the thumps stopped and she opened the door. She barely looked at him. Ouch. "You can come in, now."

His room was dark. He hadn't had his curtains closed in months, but they were now. He hovered in the lit oasis of his doorway.

"What's this about, Usako?"

More sniffling. He knew if they kept up he would face the dark to try to comfort her.

"Well, I was thinking. You know?" A sniffle. "After last night. And then today, with stuff. That happened. And I remembered your room gets really, _really_ dark at night."

"Not all that dark if the curtains are open." His hands were stuffed in his pockets.

"But still really dark, Mamo-chan. Too dark." She sniffed again. He made a fist. "At first I thought, you know, the bunny would be enough, but it's not. It can be kind of scary when you first wake up, you know?"

She rustled around a bit, somewhere between his dresser and bed. The tiny plastic bunny lit up in the socket. He never removed it the last time Chibi-Usa went home. "But the lamp's too bright. But the blinking lights wouldn't work because then it's just lights _blinking,_ and that's kind of scary, too. So I had to go through them, but Mama bought a lot because they were on sale."

By now she wasn't just sniffling. She was trying, _so hard_ , not to let it show, but he could hear the sob at the end of each breath. Even if the bunny light hadn't been on, he would have crossed the threshold anyway to crush her tightly from behind.

"I didn't _know._ Any of it. The girls, _you._ I just thought it was dying and that was the worst of it but it wasn't because it was so much more than that and I should have known, should have found you _sooner._ "

His blood ran cold as he tightened his arms around her. Had Haruka told? "You couldn't have known. I didn't want you to."

"But I _should_ have!" It was rare that she pushed away from him, but she was now facing him, arms fluttering around her. "You were right there, you _called_ for me, and I didn't hear you and I should have taken you away but I _didn't_ and I left and it broke you and I told you I'd never leave you and I broke my promise I'm so sorry."

Mamoru pulled her tightly to him, her desperate sobs now muffled against his shoulder. He discovered that a fear he'd never imagined had already come to pass when he realized just what her nightmare had been.

Words died on his tongue. All he could do was hold anchor as she fell apart, hold fast to the pieces until she could put them back together again.

"And I shouldn't cry, because it's _yours,_ but that's why I can't stop."

That was what she did. What she always did, even if she never noticed. When his eyes were dry she would shed tears _for_ him. Even though his eyes stung, it was more for the pain she was in and not for those dark nights he would wake up wondering if he had ever even existed to begin with.

"You never left me." He realized the truth only as he said it. "Even after, it was you that kept me. Even when I was gone, you never left."

It probably made no sense to her, but then again the entirety of that time had been a sea of chaos. But she had been his anchor then, even when the vessel had shattered.

Later Usako showed him what she had been doing with the staple gun. While possibly a fire hazard, the constant light of muted Christmas lights swathed his bed in a soft, glowing blanket.

He cut off her rambling explanations with a kiss that left his jaw aching and her toes curled.

When she settled beside him, drifting toward a dream he hoped was as sweet as her, he kept his eyes on the bedroom walls. For the first time since his return, his bed was no longer a place to be feared. Not because of the lights themselves, but of the girl behind them.

When she left, and she would only to return again, the lights would be a reminder to the harsh cruelty of night that he _wasn't_ alone.

He knew his nightmares would not completely vanish. They rarely ever did.

But now his walls held the promise that dreams would come again.

xoxoxox

 _The pull hunts him down. It is ancient and known yet so unfamiliar._

 _He tries to hide. Around him other nothings disappear. Did the pull do this?_

" _Endymion." A sorrowful sound. An ageless voice._

 _Unfamiliar yet familiar. Not him but him._

" _Mamoru."_

 _That feels...right? Or is it wrong?_

" _Mamo-chan!" Higher in octave._

 _A reflexive response._

Usako?

 _Sadness fills the void._

" _No longer. But I've always been yours."_

 _Color begins. He almost doesn't recognize it. A slow filter, darks first, then hues of gold and pink. Fuzzy images that may be memories. Or are they memories of fuzzy images?_

" _Maybe now I can find_ _my own you."_

 _Shapes sharpen. He answers her pull._

 _But she is wrong._

 _Or is he the one wrong?_

 _He wants his own wrong. Or his own right, if he is right and she is wrong._

I want to see her right now.

 _He doesn't remember who he wants to see. The right to his right, or wrong to his wrong, the only one to fit._

 _He does not fit this one. Not yet. Ever?_

" _Maybe in my next life." There is a pause. Eyes shift, lips move. "I can take you to her."_

 _He finally allows the pull to take him._

Usako.

 _Mamoru_ _has eyes to see her. Arms to hold her._

Found.

 **The** **End**


End file.
